It has been months since I posted a blog!
I recently heard someone say that the universe is never static, that it is always in a state of motion… either expanding or collapsing. They used this to refer to personal growth – we are either expanding or contracting. Ok – I think it was Hugh Jackman whom I have roughly paraphrased … I had hoped it was Einstein, but I couldn’t find the official quote, so I suppose I am using wolverine logic to explain the state of my life! Nonetheless, this idea that we are never at a stand still – but either expanding or contracting was a profound statement … about my state.
I am not sure exactly when it began…
Plagued by painful eye problems and pummelled by migraine/cluster headaches for a few months – I began a physical retreat. I was tired … and I allowed life to feel like it required TOO much and as usual I had not enough. Words spoken – and unspoken – gave power to the Shadows of the Past, telling me that the stain would never be washed away. I listened to the silent whispers that ” I would never measure up.” And so I was dedicated to the direction of MY motion.
I constricted into a tight ball of fear and self-doubt – and plunged into despair.
And so I sat. Neglecting my creativity, my joy, my faith and my call. I retreated, withdrew … and became small, small, small.
BUT!!! I am blessed with a group of friends who are my God-appointed accountability warrior sisters – they have the strength and courage to challenge my Shadows. ( I also call these strong women my DEAR friends, in case the former sentence made you feel uncomfortable! However they know who they are – and the great gift they give me in my moments of doubt! ) I sat with them, wept, and poured out my feelings of disappointment, self-condemnation and pain. As I sobbed, one of my warrior sisters interrupted me. “Ronda, I cannot believe I am hearing your words! Do you hear what you are saying? I can’t believe you are listening to all those OLD tapes – and LIES!”
She was right. It is time to change the direction of my motion!
So, I am picking up my pen again, (the pen always comes before the computer keys) , and shouting out to the world, (or maybe just the few souls that read my blog) – I am taking ANOTHER step!
The name of my blog is all about my journey.
It was an enormous step to post my first blog. It was a huge accomplishment to hit PUBLISH on my business website. It took breathless courage and belief to sit with our first coaching clients. But I did it.
It’s all been about taking steps – small tentative steps and huge unbelievable leaps. It’s about believing in my worth and the unique gifts I have to offer the world. It’s choosing to listen to something other than my ever-present whisperings that tell me “I am not enough.” It is saying NO to unbelief, disbelief, self-doubt and despair. It is about taking steps.
I wanted to include in this blog, a rant on some well-timed, inappropriate comments made by someone ill-informed. Well timed – meaning they were arrows that pierced my heart, and words that encouraged the speed of my retreat. However, acknowledging the actual words robs me of my victory … so this is what I will say.
I KNOW the steps I have taken in my life, alongside my dear husband, to move through pain and grief and sorrow and devastation. We stepped and stepped and stepped. What could have destroyed us – we conquered!
I know it is possible to move beyond pain … and to live a life with passion and purpose. THIS is the HOPE I have to give and the LIGHT I have to share.
And so, this is just ONE MORE STEP, and one more VICTORY! One more blog post, one more lesson learned.
Stretching … expanding … one foot in front of the other!
Take the Step 